Reasons

“Will we ever find our neverland?
Drinking on a Monday, sleeping just to numb the pain
Will we ever be at peace again?
Further is forever, restless till the day we die”
Neverland by Crywolf

So when I originally started this blog I wanted to write at least once a month, to get things off my chest and showcase the works I’m doing, but I failed that horribly unfortunately. It probably would of helped if I actually kept on with my creations, but I stopped working on those too. Heck, maybe even if I actually wrote down what was on my mind instead of repeatedly going over it, analyzing it, and ultimately deciding not to trouble anyone with these thoughts at all. Though I truly do need to put an end to it, because it is catching up to me in ways that others would of put a stop to a long time ago. My issues are mine to bear though, so I have to work through them carefully.

Seems my main issue is still the thing that caused me to become so severely isolated from others and receding from the outside world. I can’t blame anyone but myself in this issue, though I need to learn how to get past it and let it go. The worst part is it destroyed all of my reasons for, well, just about anything. My happiness, my passions, my drive all disappeared when I lost a big part of myself and I haven’t been able to rectify the issue at all. I know what causes it, I know exactly the issues holding me back, but fear keeps me at bay further bringing my mind into ruin. Agitation, depression, anger, and plethora of other negative emotions seem to reign supreme when I don’t keep myself distracted severely, which saddens me further, because I truly don’t want to be like this at the end of the day. I miss the days where gaming, shows, and music were pure entertainment more than a mere avoidance of thinking lest my mind wander back into the negativity. I truly wish I could revert to passage of time to two years prior, so I could tempt a better path from all of this, because that seems infinitely easier than moving out of my current state. Don’t get me wrong though, in the near two years since the event occurred I have tried many things, but most of them are fleeting happiness that rapidly declines back into the previous mental state. It grows so tiresome because even as I write this I think of reasons to even continue trying, to continue faking these smiles and laughter, or even to hold back the negativity I fear. All of this actually reminds me of Pink Floyd’s film of The Wall with how the protagonist built up a mental blockade around himself, shutting his true self out from the world around him, and I can absolutely relate to that. I wonder when the time to break down my metaphorical wall will come and what lies beyond it after I do.

One major change that has happened since my last post is that I am now 25 years old which seems completely inconceivable to me at times. Turned 25 on the 2nd of this month, but it was completely uneventful. Nobody hung out with me, nobody called, nothing special was done, so all I do was have a bit to drink and game instead. It is a shame cause I used to look forward to my birthday so much. I used to spend it was my ex-fiance and friends, but all of that has disappeared from my life. The very few “friends” I have left when contacted will make plans, say they’ll hang out, and never do anything about it afterwards. I really don’t grasp why either because the main friend, the person who I considered my best friend, only works a few minutes driving from me so it isn’t like he can’t swing by and chill for a few minutes. I understand he has responsibilities of his own, specially being a parent, but when you say you’ll hang out on a certain date and promptly ignore messages sent inquiring about it, it leaves you wondering why you even bother with these people. It actually hurts the most because you realize these people you’ve invested so much emotional time in just quickly forsake the bonds you had, brings me to tears at times to realize that I’ve more or less become completely alone. I really don’t get people despite the fact that I’m able to read people so well and understand them immensely, there are still these aspects that I don’t get why we do these things we do. Is it out of spite, laziness, forgetfulness, or just general uncaring to the bonds we have with our fellow humans? I just wish we could be more honest with each other instead of playing these games that tugs on the strings of our hearts and mind, because sooner or later we will all drive each other mad with these actions of ours. Oh well though, at the end of the day I just have to try to keep moving on and hope I make it through it all with or without others around.

Another interesting thing is my family has had a few significant events happen as of lately. My brother moved completely out of state to North Carolina, which is amazing that he is off doing his own thing, but I can say I miss him a great deal despite not even telling these things. He said it is gorgeous there and I’d find it great, but I prefer a balance of city life and nature compared to his love of the outdoors. Either way I hope to visit him next month when his birthday comes around, maybe go hiking or something. The other major event involves my mother, which is the darker tone of events, and not sure where to exactly begin. The short story of it is she attempted suicide a few weeks back, reasons won’t be gone into really, but the outcome had some major impacts in her life along with mine and my brother’s. She is out now and doing a lot better compared to what she was though, so hopefully anyone who reads this isn’t too worried. Though she ended up losing her job and found out she new lesions along her spinal cord due to the progression of her Multiple Sclerosis. Sadly all this has done is made her struggle with her own demons even greater, but I’ll do all I can to help her through this, especially since I know what it is like to struggle with suicidal behavior/depression issues.

Enough though with these horribly depressing thoughts and topics, as much as it really does help me get some things out I want to try and close with a lighter note. There are a few things I’ll touch in this and after that I think I’m done for the day. My lovely cat Claire has taken up a habit within the last month or two of annoying the ever living hell out of me in the cutest way possible. She used to rarely come into my room, no idea exactly why but I’ve had my ideas, though lately she comes down just about every single day when I’m awake. Though each time she comes down it is when I’m on my computer gaming/watching Youtube/binge watching a series. So her new little habit is to rub herself continuously against my leg, headbutting my legs, or pawing at my elbow/various body parts to get my attention all while make very loud meows to get my attention. I know she wants me to pet her, so I give her brief ones, but for her that is definitely not enough attention at all. So she’ll continue doing it for several minutes till she gives up and sits down to the left of my chair. If I look at her while she sits she’ll just look up with her cute kitty eyes and meow out loudly at me like she is saying “love me now” and it’s truly hard to resist at times. If I don’t give her the attention she’ll eventually just wander my room aimlessly, but if I look at her when she is doing that she’ll immediately run back to me and repeat the process over again. I absolutely love my cat, but dear god the timing of her’s is not the greatest for attention. Another thing, which I think I mentioned prior, was me starting up hiking again. I did manage to go out about a month ago to an area not too far from me and it was absolutely amazing. I’ll say I got my ass kicked by the walk, probably because I’m so severely reclusive now, but it was just great not having to have all the usual distractions I need to keep myself at peace. There was such a severe state of tranquility about it that I wish I started back up a long time ago, might of saved me from a lot of stressful moments in my life, but hopefully I’ll be able to continue it now. I have been meaning to get back out there, this time to a new trail, but since family events have happened that has been my current priority. I did take a few pictures of when I went hiking and I’ll try to take some next time I go out and upload them here for people to see.

Remember everyone be kind to each other, because who knows what struggles they’re going through internally.

-Mavet

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Be Kind

So I’ve been up all hours of the day and night the last few days thinking to myself a simple question of “why do I try to make others happy/smile as much as I do” and I typically go through great lengths to do so at times. It’s been hard for me to pinpoint exactly why, but I’ve had a few pieces I’ve managed to nab out of my mind and figured I’d share. As a person who struggles with his own emotional demons, mainly that of depression, I’ve seen the wickedness they can unleash upon ones self. For my emotional demons have manifested in both suicidal actions and unbridled rage on separate occasions of my life, costing me greatly and furthering myself into despair. So now I continuously attempt to show others that despite all this misery, chaos, and insanity there are still good people out there or people willing to help. I may not be a perfect person and have done bad things to others in my life, but I never wish to see another suffer. So I do what is in my power such as buying a game for a person, holding the door, offering to visit someone when I can, get a plane ticket so I can hang with someone, or just sitting there and listening to whatever woes that person has because at the end of the day they’re just another lost person trying to figure their way through the harshness of our reality. One thing I say though is it isn’t easy and will never be easy, specially of you have certain aspects working against you, but all we can do is try to make to best of it and continue on. That is something I try to show them too, that despite it all we can try to continue moving forward without giving up and that it is okay to lean on others. Some people don’t get this or their pride prohibits them from getting help to any degree, but in the end they still need it. Break them down piece by piece until they let you in to help them for their sake, please please do that. You may not understand what it’s like to be in their shoes, but the very least we can do as a fellow human being is attempt to make each other smile. Show them that this world, even though it has such sorrows and misery in it, can become a beautiful place if you try. I can honestly say I could use that in my life more often, but even though I don’t have someone like that around doesn’t mean I won’t stop trying to show others joy.

Sorry this post jumped around a lot, but just had thoughts I needed to get out there.

Keep Strong,
Mavet

Life and more PCB

So I haven’t written anything in awhile and figured I’d try to start again because I need some place to get my thoughts out. It’s been pretty rough on my mind lately, severe depression coupled with a few other things and it’s unfortunately taken it’s toll on me. I stopped making my PCB stuff for awhile, stopped talking to the few people I do, didn’t really game at all and when I did I’d be quiet, and just became severely reclusive doing nothing all day. There were a few nights it got so bad I’d start crying out of nowhere or I’d just lay there in a catatonic like state letting whatever was on my TV just play on and on. I could name one of many things that is at fault for my mind getting into such a dark space, but honestly what would it accomplish. The most unfortunate part about this is I was ready to completely give up, forsake my friends and family, just completely disappear. I didn’t want to do anything anymore at all and still don’t sort of, but I have to try at the very least. So the other day I got off my ass, took apart a broken TV, removed the pieces off the PCB, and made up a few more pieces. It felt kind of good to actually start working on it again and I hope to keep myself in the swing of things, that’s the main thing I need to do. Keep myself occupied, let my mind not wander, and just keep moving forward as best as I can.

On a side note I did dye my hair purple, but it came out a bit weird. Since I didn’t have enough dye and the bleaching didn’t completely lighten all my hair it’s streaked. I have spots of like purple, dark purple, blonde, and cherry blonde. It’s actually pretty rad and I’m happy I finally went a different color, but now at least I know to get two bottles of the dye.

Well for now I’ll post the few pieces I made the other day along with a few I made awhile back, but completely spaced on posting.

pcb collect1 pcb collection

Well hopefully I’ll have more to show off along with a few new designs over the next few days. I’ll try to make sure to post them as soon as I get a few of them done!

We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in;
machinery that gives abundance has left us in want.
Our knowledge has made us cynical,
our cleverness hard and unkind.
We think too much and feel too little.
More than machinery we need humanity,
more than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness
– From Charlie Chaplin in The Great Dictator

Keep Moving Forward,
Mavet

A Storm In Life

As usual this will be another post containing whatever thoughts are on my mind, songs I’m addicted, thing’s I’m working on, and quotes I like if I’ve found any. Oh I also think I’ve figured out the format I want to type out things. It’d go song, thoughts/life, projects, pictures, quote, and then closing. It’d obviously depend if I have any of these things to type up at the moment of creating a post, but that will hopefully be the continuous layout I have.

I’ve recently gotten myself re-addicted to The Glitch Mob and man I forgot how much I these guys. They’re potentially my favorite Glitch styled artist out there currently. I put on Last.fm to The Glitch Mob and probably have had it going for the last 3 or so hours. You’d think we me about to see a show I’d binge on those guys instead, but nope my love has been rekindled for this group. If you’re into Electronica at all I suggest taking a peek at these guys especially this song (you can click it!). It’s one of my favorites and showcases their ability to add lyrics to a song without it going over the top on the vocals, which I feel is the sole focus on some Electronica artists lately.

So over the last few days a storm of thoughts over the last few days and it’s definitely taking a toll on me. Normally when I have an influx of thoughts they’re nothing to serious, but this is beyond the normal one. This time it’s nearly impossible to keep myself distracted from what is going on inside my head to the point it’s sapping my enjoyment of things. Gaming is no fun and provides a distraction, walks and biking don’t do anything, and basically everything else has been bland and boring. Oddly enough I knew it was coming on too, because typically when I get like this my depression starts acting up and gaming is the first thing to go. After that everything else starts seeming pointless, boring, or just not worthwhile to do. Unfortunately there isn’t much I can do to change this currently other than wait it out, but I am hoping it won’t last too long.

Another thing on my mind lately is what am I doing with myself and where will I be in the next few years. They’re along the same vein of thought process so figured I group them together. Unfortunately I’m not anywhere near what I’ve expected of myself at this age, in fact I’m severely off, because I though I’d be through college by now. I never went through with it though since I was unsure what I wanted to do and didn’t have the cash for it. Now I finally know what I want to do, but I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of going back to school. It’s been so long since I’ve been in the setting of higher education, let alone attempted to further myself through those things. Sadly I keep making excuses for myself for not trying to go back and what’s worse is I know that I’m making up excuses. I’m trying to get over this weird fear of mine, but I don’t know if I can push past it. I’ve lost a lot of drive over the last year and I’m just starting to get a handle on myself again.

Just a bit of random rambling on things now. My hair is almost as long as it used to be awhile ago, which makes me absurdly happy. Personally I love my long hair and others typically like it, but I’ve also gotten comments that they like it short even saying that it’s “cute” on me. Now I got a show I’m going to tomorrow, so hopefully that will be awesome. Sadly I know nobody going to this show with me so I’m all by myself, which is something I’m still not used to for concert. Final thing is I got a few things I’m waiting for currently. New Game of Thrones, Red Versus Blue, and Penny Dreadful are the shows I’m waiting for and games are Halo 5, Witcher 3, and Silent Hills. Halo 5 and Silent Hills are the two deciding factors on the PS4/Xbox One consoles for me since they’re both two great series that I’ve always had fun playing. Hopefully I’ll be able to get both systems at one point, but for now I’ll decide on one after a few exclusives are released.

Enough personal venting and such though, at least for now, because I have some good news. I officially finished my first PCB pin! The keyhole design turned out pretty well, albeit a bit lopsided, but I am so excited to have it completed. I’ve learned something about cutting out these designs though in the process, so hopefully the next one will be better. The ink, marker, or whatever I use to mark when I cut easily wipes off the board so I have to be exact and quick about it. I was almost screwed over though in making the circular part of the keyhole because with cutting it I can only do straight lines. I figured a way to rig up my Dremel by using my grip to hold it in place and realized I had a grinding attachment for it. After that it was simply just grinding down the redrawn outline I had and BAM! I have my first pin. It was oddly a relaxing process of making it and took a bit longer than I wanted due to weather. Now this first half was typed up a few days earlier, but never got around to posting it. I recently finished my 2nd PCB cut-out and it’s a heart. It turned out absolutely amazing! I just need to touch up a few things here and there, try to remove a bit more of the excess solder, and then get a hole in it for a jump ring. This one I want to make into a necklace due to the way the back and front look. I must say I am decently proud of myself on how it turned out, specially considering it’s my second attempt at this.

Now just a few pictures. The 1st set cover the back then front of the keyhole, the 2nd set shows off the front and back of the heart, and the final picture is me showing off my hair. Oh how I can’t wait for it to be longer.

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Welp time to end this post though, but before popping off I want to at least end with a quote that I’ve been in love with for awhile.

The loneliest people can be the kindest. The saddest people sometimes smile the brightest. The most damaged people are filled with wisdom. All because they do not wish the pain they’ve endured on another soul.

Having A Great One,
Mavet

Life In General

So I’m going to being hitting on a few thoughts I’ve had with the emotional spectrum and their meaning/effects in my life with this one. Don’t know how it’ll go, it’ll potentially be just rambling, but none the less I want to get it out there.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, mainly bout my past, but none the less a lot. Unfortunately things that come with me thinking about these subjects typically manifest in the forms of depression and regret. I know lots of people struggle with both of these things through their entire life, I am one of them, and it’s a shame people don’t realize it or react wrongly to those people. I feel that they don’t realize that we’re not happy because we don’t want to be, heck if anything it’s the opposite of that, but we’re not happy because we can’t be. Something at some point greatly effected us, we have a mental ailment, or even a combination of both that keeps us in these gloomy moods. Sometimes they’re mild for me, but I’ve had days where I can’t function as a human or randomly burst into tears. The benefit of me having these issues though is there too because it helps me learn how to cope on my own and pass those things onto others. It gives me a purpose with my issues and I can say I’m thankful for that. So all I have to say is if you know a person that struggles with their sorrows just be kind and patient with them, they will not magically be better one day but instead it will take time for them to heal again. Just try to stick by there side, help them along the way, and make sure they don’t do anything stupid it because of the depression.

Now onto a jolly one, happiness. This is one that’s probably one of my main goals in life, to achieve what I perceive as happiness for myself. It’s a hard goal to reach, at least in my eyes, for many of us. There are various factors in life that get us so close, but then just snatch it away or we’re almost at the peek of happiness though fall short. Having it in your life, even if it isn’t the most amount you can get, still is a big thing. Lots of people out there only get a smidgen of it unfortunately and others have lots of it, but don’t help others achieve their happiness. The last part is what irks me the most, because we pass by people suffering in some form or another yet we just let them wither away in their issues. We don’t try to help, we don’t offer comforting words, we just continue shuffling amongst ourselves. I, with my recent reemergence into socialization, try to make it an active point to see people smile. I love it when I’m able to do that, because I know that even if I got them to smile for a second, that it probably helped them a little bit that day. I really think it’s something we need to try to do as a species more often because that one little smile, that little bit of time and effort, can go a long way and make a person’s life infinitely better that day. Also I feel that people need to realize even though it makes them happy, though their source of happiness might anger or annoy you, that you should try to be tolerant and let them have it. We have no right to rob a person of their joy at the end of the day, unless it truly is something morally wrong, and it’s something a lot of people need to try and accept. Either way I do believe we all deserve happiness and hope we can all reach it one day.

Empathy, while isn’t an emotion per se, it technically covers almost every emotion out there. I do say a lot of people confuse this with sympathy though, which isn’t wrong really, but it’s more or less a more advanced for of sympathy. I am a severely empathetic person and I have a love/hate relationship with it. It’s great because I’m able to relate to another person’s emotions and situation, despite not experiencing it myself, and from that I can potentially help them. It can be harmful at times, especially when a person is going through such extreme negative emotions like suicidal depression or pure rage, because then you can get dragged into that mindset with them. Another hazard that comes with it is how people can in turn manipulate you via their emotions, they realize you empathetic nature and use it to take advantage of you or blind you from the things around you. I’ve had it happen a few times, I’ve learned from my mistakes, but I still wouldn’t give it up. It’s allowed me to be such a compassionate human being, despite my flaws and mistakes, and allowed me to help several people that have been in my life.

Don’t know where I was exactly going with this post, but felt the urge to just get it out there. Especially after the craziness of the last few days. So enjoy the read, comment, like, glimpse over, whatever fancies you. All in all I hope you get something from this and keep going forward through life despite the chaos around us. Oh and hopefully I’ll get a few pictures up on Sunday or Monday of my art project and the progress I’ve made.

Stay Smiling,
Mavet