“Will we ever find our neverland?Drinking on a Monday, sleeping just to numb the painWill we ever be at peace again?Further is forever, restless till the day we die”Neverland by Crywolf
So when I originally started this blog I wanted to write at least once a month, to get things off my chest and showcase the works I’m doing, but I failed that horribly unfortunately. It probably would of helped if I actually kept on with my creations, but I stopped working on those too. Heck, maybe even if I actually wrote down what was on my mind instead of repeatedly going over it, analyzing it, and ultimately deciding not to trouble anyone with these thoughts at all. Though I truly do need to put an end to it, because it is catching up to me in ways that others would of put a stop to a long time ago. My issues are mine to bear though, so I have to work through them carefully.
Seems my main issue is still the thing that caused me to become so severely isolated from others and receding from the outside world. I can’t blame anyone but myself in this issue, though I need to learn how to get past it and let it go. The worst part is it destroyed all of my reasons for, well, just about anything. My happiness, my passions, my drive all disappeared when I lost a big part of myself and I haven’t been able to rectify the issue at all. I know what causes it, I know exactly the issues holding me back, but fear keeps me at bay further bringing my mind into ruin. Agitation, depression, anger, and plethora of other negative emotions seem to reign supreme when I don’t keep myself distracted severely, which saddens me further, because I truly don’t want to be like this at the end of the day. I miss the days where gaming, shows, and music were pure entertainment more than a mere avoidance of thinking lest my mind wander back into the negativity. I truly wish I could revert to passage of time to two years prior, so I could tempt a better path from all of this, because that seems infinitely easier than moving out of my current state. Don’t get me wrong though, in the near two years since the event occurred I have tried many things, but most of them are fleeting happiness that rapidly declines back into the previous mental state. It grows so tiresome because even as I write this I think of reasons to even continue trying, to continue faking these smiles and laughter, or even to hold back the negativity I fear. All of this actually reminds me of Pink Floyd’s film of The Wall with how the protagonist built up a mental blockade around himself, shutting his true self out from the world around him, and I can absolutely relate to that. I wonder when the time to break down my metaphorical wall will come and what lies beyond it after I do.
One major change that has happened since my last post is that I am now 25 years old which seems completely inconceivable to me at times. Turned 25 on the 2nd of this month, but it was completely uneventful. Nobody hung out with me, nobody called, nothing special was done, so all I do was have a bit to drink and game instead. It is a shame cause I used to look forward to my birthday so much. I used to spend it was my ex-fiance and friends, but all of that has disappeared from my life. The very few “friends” I have left when contacted will make plans, say they’ll hang out, and never do anything about it afterwards. I really don’t grasp why either because the main friend, the person who I considered my best friend, only works a few minutes driving from me so it isn’t like he can’t swing by and chill for a few minutes. I understand he has responsibilities of his own, specially being a parent, but when you say you’ll hang out on a certain date and promptly ignore messages sent inquiring about it, it leaves you wondering why you even bother with these people. It actually hurts the most because you realize these people you’ve invested so much emotional time in just quickly forsake the bonds you had, brings me to tears at times to realize that I’ve more or less become completely alone. I really don’t get people despite the fact that I’m able to read people so well and understand them immensely, there are still these aspects that I don’t get why we do these things we do. Is it out of spite, laziness, forgetfulness, or just general uncaring to the bonds we have with our fellow humans? I just wish we could be more honest with each other instead of playing these games that tugs on the strings of our hearts and mind, because sooner or later we will all drive each other mad with these actions of ours. Oh well though, at the end of the day I just have to try to keep moving on and hope I make it through it all with or without others around.
Another interesting thing is my family has had a few significant events happen as of lately. My brother moved completely out of state to North Carolina, which is amazing that he is off doing his own thing, but I can say I miss him a great deal despite not even telling these things. He said it is gorgeous there and I’d find it great, but I prefer a balance of city life and nature compared to his love of the outdoors. Either way I hope to visit him next month when his birthday comes around, maybe go hiking or something. The other major event involves my mother, which is the darker tone of events, and not sure where to exactly begin. The short story of it is she attempted suicide a few weeks back, reasons won’t be gone into really, but the outcome had some major impacts in her life along with mine and my brother’s. She is out now and doing a lot better compared to what she was though, so hopefully anyone who reads this isn’t too worried. Though she ended up losing her job and found out she new lesions along her spinal cord due to the progression of her Multiple Sclerosis. Sadly all this has done is made her struggle with her own demons even greater, but I’ll do all I can to help her through this, especially since I know what it is like to struggle with suicidal behavior/depression issues.
Enough though with these horribly depressing thoughts and topics, as much as it really does help me get some things out I want to try and close with a lighter note. There are a few things I’ll touch in this and after that I think I’m done for the day. My lovely cat Claire has taken up a habit within the last month or two of annoying the ever living hell out of me in the cutest way possible. She used to rarely come into my room, no idea exactly why but I’ve had my ideas, though lately she comes down just about every single day when I’m awake. Though each time she comes down it is when I’m on my computer gaming/watching Youtube/binge watching a series. So her new little habit is to rub herself continuously against my leg, headbutting my legs, or pawing at my elbow/various body parts to get my attention all while make very loud meows to get my attention. I know she wants me to pet her, so I give her brief ones, but for her that is definitely not enough attention at all. So she’ll continue doing it for several minutes till she gives up and sits down to the left of my chair. If I look at her while she sits she’ll just look up with her cute kitty eyes and meow out loudly at me like she is saying “love me now” and it’s truly hard to resist at times. If I don’t give her the attention she’ll eventually just wander my room aimlessly, but if I look at her when she is doing that she’ll immediately run back to me and repeat the process over again. I absolutely love my cat, but dear god the timing of her’s is not the greatest for attention. Another thing, which I think I mentioned prior, was me starting up hiking again. I did manage to go out about a month ago to an area not too far from me and it was absolutely amazing. I’ll say I got my ass kicked by the walk, probably because I’m so severely reclusive now, but it was just great not having to have all the usual distractions I need to keep myself at peace. There was such a severe state of tranquility about it that I wish I started back up a long time ago, might of saved me from a lot of stressful moments in my life, but hopefully I’ll be able to continue it now. I have been meaning to get back out there, this time to a new trail, but since family events have happened that has been my current priority. I did take a few pictures of when I went hiking and I’ll try to take some next time I go out and upload them here for people to see.
Remember everyone be kind to each other, because who knows what struggles they’re going through internally.